Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

As someone who has never ingested copious amounts of illegal substances, and most likely never will, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas seems like the closest thing to it that I'm going to get. Trailing the early 70s life and career of Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing takes us on a wild whirldwind where reality and fantasy are constantly intermingled and you're never quite sure what's going to happen from one moment to the next.

To me, this movie was like the manic response to the depressed Requiem For A Dream. Whereas Requiem told an utterly depressing story about how awful drugs are, Fear and Loathing still says drugs are bad but a lot of crazy shit will happen in the meantime. While Requiem makes you cry, Fear and Loathing makes you laugh. The narrative quite effectively mirrors its drugged up narrator, who jumps around from place to place and time to time without ever really landing on solid ground. There are a few moments of lucidity which are obviously just there to give the realization of just how much craziness actually happened, and all you can do is laugh at the absurdity of it all until it sinks in that his life was actually like this.

Johnny Depp does a phenomenal job as Thompson, and it's quite interesting as you can clearly see some early physical hints towards Captain Jack Sparrow. Depp glides along gleefully, savoring every chance to get just a little bit crazier. However, the true star of this show is Benicio del Toro as Dr. Gonzo, Thompson's "lawyer" and sidekick. That man can look extremely menacing with a knife, and was a very convincing druggie who consistently rolled more towards the dangerous side of being high. A welcome surprise also came from all the various celebrity cameos in this movie. It feels like every single scene they brought in someone famous to do something funny and then leave.

The only real problem with this film is that in all the hubbub it pretty much fails to tell a story. It's a great experience, but when there's the emotional farewell between Thompson and Dr. Gonzo at the end it feels more out of place than anything. As far as I could tell the story was supposed to be that this reporter and his lawyer journeyed out to Las Vegas for a story, got high and into lots of crazy hijinks, and then parted ways until another assignment came up. It felt more like a snapshot of this guy's life, with no real beginning and no real conclusion, and as such the point of it all kind of gets lost. And then, Terry Gilliam's name rolls down the screen as director at the credits and it all makes sense.

However, it's worth seeing just for that experience. Even without a coherent story, Gilliam is in his element throwing every single crazy thing he can at you and bringing you along for the ride into another reality, another time. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the trip.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas gets an 8.5/10.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

It's hard for me to explain exactly why I didn't like this movie. The direction is tight, the performances are very well done (especially from Noomi Rapace as Lisbeth, the girl of the title), and there are plenty of twists and turns. And yet...

I believe the main problem for me was the story. From the get-go we are introduced to Lisbeth and Mikael Blomkvist, leading completely separate lives. Lisbeth is a young gothic looking reporter who works for a newspaper getting important scoops for them. Mikael is a high profile journalist who has been sentenced to jail for making false accusations about a high up businessman. Both their personalities are set up quite well, but what's immediately lacking is a reason to care about these people. We are simply following them around as they go about their mundane activities. Even when Mikael gets a mysterious call from the Vanger Group to investigate a case before he goes to jail, it just seems like an almost cliched plot point instead of a big mystery. And when Lisbeth goes through some nearly unwatchable scenes with her new guardian, the gruesomeness of it feels tacked on and unnecessary. When the two inevitably meet, their chemistry is quite charming and brings a much needed boost to the dragging plot. Then the actual mystery kicks into gear, which for the most part consists of Mikael looking through files, long transposed shots of photographs, and Lisbeth being a no nonsense hardass while still seeming quite vulnerable.

It's such a stereotypical mystery that not only is almost every single twist and turn forseeable (it's not actually the first OR second person you thought was guilty? Shocking!), but even when they're not it just doesn't feel like it carries any meaning to it. Maybe I'm just so used to Law and Order or almost any other crime drama on TV these days that I'm used to this entire plot being boiled down into one episode. **SLIGHT SPOILER ALERT** A disgraced journalist is hired by an old man from wealthy company to look into the disappearance of his daughter 40 years ago. He agrees to it as he has nothing to lose. He meets a quirky girl with rare insight who helps him on the case. They travel together gathering clues. Through many twists they eventually solve the case just in time to save one of them from getting killed. The journalist helps get his job back with the girl's help, who then leaves mysteriously but is shown to be doing just fine in the end. **END SPOILERS**

Not only are the plot points so unabashedly familiar and dry that you know the end of the movie from the beginning, but there's a gaping bit of development left out that would've made the film 10 times more entertaining. The relationship between all of the family members (who are all suspects) living together on this island is barely addressed, and each member is instead only used to shed a little detail on one clue/detail in the case before disappearing. So much more could've been done with them (and maybe it was in the book?). Also, the tracking of the clues is dull and boring as they go to a location, say "Yep, just what we thought," and then head back.

In short, just like the mystery involved this plot feels about 40 years too old and is a mystery that should've just stayed in the past. The direction, acting, and even dialogue are all tight, but the story being told is simply one I really could've cared less about.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo gets a 6.5/10.

Date Night

At first glance, it would be easy to dislike Date Night. It follows an almost classic recipe of taking two funny actors, putting them together, put them through some unlikely yet ultimately funny hijinks and throw in some funny celebrity cameos and improvised humor to spice. It's a tried and true formula that for the most part creates semi-enjoyable flicks worth nothing more than a cursory glance. Date Night, however, has three things those other films do not: Steve Carell, Tina Fey, and the completely natural chemistry they share on screen.

Most of the plot of Date Night can be completely ignored. All it is is a prime opportunity for Carell and Fey to work their comedic (and dramatic) acting chops alongside the also wonderful James Franco, Mila Kunis, and an always shirtless Mark Wahlberg (not to mention a brief but hilariously creepy scene from William Fichtner). However, for what it's worth, Carell and Fey are a boring old married couple with an average family life who after hearing their good friends are getting a divorce decide to spice up their normal date night by going out somewhere fancy. They show up at a famous sushi place without a reservation, and in a moment of inspiration decide to steal someone else's reservation who didn't show. Soon enough, trouble in the form of two large men walk in, bring them out back, and threaten to kill them unless they return a flash drive that belonged to their boss. Trying to explain that they're not who these guys think they are get them nowhere, and soon this boring married couple is off on the adventure of their lives to find this flash drive so they can get back to their kids. Hilarity ensues.

As you might expect from Carell and Fey, a lot of the humor feels improvised, which at some points brings out classic gems and at other times falls a little flat. Also, the more the movie drifts from the relationship between them, the less funny it gets. Sure a creepy/silly striptease scene is funny for what it is, but the moment leading up to it where they're trying to pump each other up is far more funny because it's grounded in this couple's relationship. That being said, the movie really shines when they start having fun with each other in the completely ridiculous situations (as opposed to the only mildly ridiculous I suppose) like the entire car chase scene and their completely ineffectual threats against the brilliance of James Franco and Mila Kunis. When the craziness is at its max is when you can tell they're really enjoying themselves, and so by extension so do we.

But interestingly enough what truly stands out are the serious moments that Carell and Fey share as a couple. First off, Date Night does a wonderful job balancing the absurdity of their situation with their reality as an average married couple way out of their league. But second, the loving moments between them are so genuine that I almost wish they had just made a movie of that, because while it certainly was a wonderful and funny movie, those moments are by far what stood out and elevated this above the traditional recipe. I honestly hope these two get together again for a more dramatic movie because there's something there that just...works.

Until then, Date Night is an above average comedy thanks to its stars, but since it is somewhat limited by that recipe, parts of it still taste a little stale. It is still worth the viewing, but hopefully it will stand as more of an early effort from the classics to come.

Date Night gets an 8/10.

Neverwhere

Neil Gaiman is an amazing man. My first exposure to his writing came from the wholly confusing yet still enjoyable American Gods, which was mostly confusing because I had no idea who Gaiman was or how he wrote. Since then I've only seen glimpses of his work through the movies of Coraline and Stardust, and so I figured it was about time I picked up his very first novel, Neverwhere.

Set against the background of modern day London, we follow the trials of Richard Mayhew, an average man with average goals and an average life, which all of a sudden gets completely turned around when a mysterious girl named Door, who has been running from the deadly Mr. Croup and Mr. Vandemar, comes out from a wall in front of him and collapses bleeding on the street. Despite complaints from his fiancee to just leave the girl, his compassion gets the better of him and he scoops up the girl and brings her back to his house to help her recover. While trying to reveal as little as possible, Door brings him on a quest through London Below, a mystical and very dangerous place consisting of London's sewers and so much more. She finds her friends, and leaves Richard confused and baffled back in his apartment.

But something has changed. Suddenly, no one notices Richard anymore. He can get their attention for a second or two, but they go right back to ignoring him soon after. He has become part of London Below, a helpless man who dropped through the cracks, and must find a way back to his old life while trying to survive the dangers that lurk below.

It's a delightfully creative premise, and Gaiman never fails to add his own flair to every location, every character, and every sentence in this book. By all accounts, I shouldn't consider this one of the best books I've read. The plot, while creative, when boiled down is a very simple and traditional quest plot. There is relatively little character development. The ending is rather easy to foresee and even a little cliche. And yet, I loved every single page. Where this book shines is not in those basic elements, it's in the pure unadulterated creativity, style and voice of Gaiman shining through. Gaiman's descriptions can turn a small shadow into one of the most terrifying things you could imagine. His quirky humor is littered throughout the book as well, helping to alleviate what otherwise would've been some almost unbearably depressing scenes. Toss in a smattering of Matrix/Inception like philosophy and you get a simple story with some amazingly complex undertones. However, where Gaiman's strength lies is in his characters, from the calm violence of Mr. Croup to the noble sliminess of the Marquis to the dark depths of London Below itself. While none of them really develop in the course of the story, each is already so rich as a character that they don't need to.

Gaiman has somehow managed to take a story that in other hands would've been thrown away and turned it into one of the best pieces of fiction I've read. I don't care about the simple plot. I don't care about the cliche ending. Neverwhere is by and far one of the best examples of something being more than the sum of its parts.

Neverwhere gets a 10/10.

Heavy Rain

This review is nearly impossible to do. Heavy Rain is a kind of murder mystery, so giving away any details could ruin the plot. On top of that, the style of gameplay is familiar, yet completely unique, and even people with a better vernacular than I have trouble describing what it's like. But...I shall try.

Heavy Rain is set in the near future, where a serial killer known as the Origami Killer has been on the loose for years, killing young boys by drowning them in rainwater, covering their faces with mud, and leaving an origami figure in their hand and an orchid on their chest. You play as 4 separate characters: Ethan (a father), Madison (a journalist), Scott Shelby (a private investigator), and Norman Jayden (an FBI agent). Each has their own motivations and stories, and each is involved in the hunt for the Origami Killer in their own way. Past that, there isn't much I can say, you just have to experience their stories for yourself, especially because of how the game plays.

When Heavy Rain first came out, it was mostly noticed for its unique style of gameplay, but also the fact that if one of your characters dies, the game is designed to continue going. Think of it like a choose your own adventure novel that doesn't stop even if you reach a page that kills you. The game plays much like a movie, with each scene presenting you with varying choices and consequences that effect how the rest of the game plays out.

How you play through these choices is the most familiar and yet completely unfamiliar aspect of Heavy Rain. If you've ever played God of War or similar titles, you're often asked to complete what's known as a quick-time event (QTE). A QTE is essentially where you are asked to press a series of buttons in the correct order in order to accomplish some task (like bringing down a cyclops). At first glance, all Heavy Rain is is a series of QTEs. You are asked to do various things like the traditional press buttons at the right time in the right order, but also sometimes hold down buttons at the same time or shake the controller in a certain way or move the right analog stick in the direction indicated. So essentially it is just complicated QTEs....but at the same time it's so much more. For example, to get someone off the floor, you hold R1 to get their arm around you, hold L1 to grab their legs, and then tap X repeatedly, straining your legs to pick them up. Each button press, each flick of the analog stick, each shake of the controller just feels right. It feels appropriate to the movement your character is performing. The timing of it mimics your character's state of mind perfectly. It's all so tied to everything that happens that it never feels like a QTE. It just feels natural.

It also allows you to feel more invested in what happens than in any other game I have ever played. Not only does it invest you mechanics-wise however, it also invests you emotionally. The story is like an Oscar winning drama. This unfortunately means that some parts are quite predictable in that it follows a somewhat Hollywood formula, but with all the different choices available you never quite know what's going to happen. The true miracle is that it manages to keep you completely emotionally locked in with four distinct characters, each with their own personalities, for the entire game.

It's not without faults, however. There are some odd glitches here and there, some of the voice acting (especially the childrens') is rather terrible, and moving your character around can feel so clunky that it takes you right out of the experience. Also, the story has its gaps along with some transitions that feel like they didn't fully flesh out the path you actually took. It seemed as though they just didn't get to realize every possibility and so had to condense things late in development. If these guys teamed up with Bioware, who make the incredibly detailed branching storylines in games like Mass Effect and Dragon Age, they could take on the world. One just gets the sense that with a couple more months in development all of these problems would've been fixed, but as it is there's just enough problems to keep it from being the best game ever made. But overall it's easily one of the best games I've ever played, and is by far the most emotionally investing. I don't know if they're even considering a Heavy Rain 2, or something in the same style at least, but I sure hope they do, cause with a few tweaks the developers could easily make not just one of the most original titles of all time, but one of the greatest as well.

Heavy Rain gets a 10/10.

E3 2010 summary

For all those who don't want the in depth summaries of each and every conference, here's a brief summary of the important highlights from each one.

Microsoft
-Gears of War 3 will be the standout in Microsoft's lineup. If you have an Xbox 360, get it.
-Halo: Reach looks like any other Halo game, just spiffed up. But if you liked all the other ones, you're bound to love this one.
-Kinect showed off some very cool and thought-provoking features like voice recognition, the ability to use your Xbox like the computer from Star Trek, and high fidelity to tracking your entire skeleton.
-Kinect also showed off a lot of disappointments, like every single launch title copying the Wii, and how some features (like the camera following you if you move during video chat) were very highly choreographed, which left their authenticity in question. We'll just have to wait until November 4th to see.
-New sleek, black, 250gb, built in Wi-Fi, quieter Xbox model revealed. It's basically a PS3 without blu-ray. Nothing is said about rectifying the red ring of death.

EA
-Dead Space 2 is going to be fucking awesome.
-They call Medal of Honor the most authentic modern war experience out there. I laugh at that as every time someone shoots a gun they get points that flash up on screen and then allow them to call down a tomahawk missile. Looks exactly like Call of Duty Modern Warfare.
-Crysis 2 looks very pretty, but also seems like any other shooter in gameplay style.
-Bulletstorm looks like mayhem incarnate, with graphics that have Crysis 2 nearly beat. Can't wait to have tons of fun with this one.
-The Star Wars MMO Old Republic is one of the most highly anticipated games out there. No gameplay, but a trailer with such emotion and graphical detail behind it makes you wish Bioware had been behind the helm for the prequels instead of Lucas.

Ubisoft
-Child of Eden is this generation's Rez. Do not play on hallucinogens or you may exit this dimension.
-Joel McHale is funny in his element. He is not in his element.
-The demo for Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood puts aside all doubts that only a year in development would hurt the game. It looks nothing short of amazing.
-Shaun White Skateboarding at least brings something new to the genre with being able to transform the environment, but the skating mechanics look like any other Tony Hawk game.
-Portable laser tag. Nuff said.
-Biofeedback in a game. Helps reduce stress.
-Your Shape: Fitness Evolved makes the best use of Kinect so far by tracking every movement 1:1 and giving exact feedback on how to improve your workout.
-Ghost Recon: Future Soldier looks to combine stealth, firefights, and strategy into a very fun experience, especially for co-op.
-Driver: San Francisco brings back 70s car chases with the added ability to shift between cars so that if you crash, you can get right back into the game. Especially interesting? That feature will be in multiplayer too.
-A new set of tools for developers allows them to craft some amazing looking games with much less effort. The new Rayman, for example, looked more put together than many games out there yet was only worked on by 5 people.
-Maniaplanet is a new platform for developers to create their own racers, shooters, and RPGs. Looks to be more realistic/diverse than Little Big Planet 2 since it's not all based off Sackboy. However, no gameplay was shown and the betas aren't coming out until much later this year.

Nintendo
-New Zelda. Demo had some big troubles because of interference but it still looks fun.
-New Mario Sports game, with Mario doing the sports he hasn't done yet, proving that Nintendo will whore their main character out to any length to make money.
-Nintendo sells a ridiculous amount of consoles and games. Most gamers, myself included, look down on the Wii, but that doesn't stop it from making a shitload more money than both Xbox and PS3.
-New Golden Sun for DS.
-New GoldenEye for Wii, bringing back the game that basically started the multiplayer genre.
-Epic Mickey looks to be the most original game coming out this year. As Mickey you use paint and paint thinner to either help restore the land of forgotten Disney characters known as the Wasteland, or erase obstacles and even characters in your way and make things easier for yourself. This is from the guy who made Deus Ex, so expect the choices you make to have serious consequences throughout the game.
-New Kirby, but everything is made of yarn. Manages to keep the core Kirby mechanics and gameplay intact while still providing an entirely new and interesting experience.
-Dragonquest 9 for DS was a hit in Japan, and will no doubt be a hit here when it's released in July.
-Metroid: Other M combines the third person of the Prime series with classic sidescrolling to provide what looks to be an interesting new title in the series.
-New Donkey Kong Country Returns for those of us who loved the original. A complete surprise.
-The highlight of E3, the Nintendo 3DS. This one I cannot summarize, just read it.
-New Kid Icarus built solely for 3DS. Other games include Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy, Resident Evil, Metal Gear Solid, and some N64 ports like Ocarina of Time and Starfox.
-Nintendo fucks over Sony by giving each member of the audience an opportunity to be up close to the 3DS and the models tied to them, as well as letting them try out Zelda so they see the wonky controls in the demo were an accident and not reality.

Sony
-Too many trailers, not enough content.
-Killzone 3 looks very pretty and probably even prettier in 3D.
-If you pay the thousands of dollars for a 3D TV and glasses, there will be hardcore games for you, but nothing that great.
-If you get 3D and Move...there is nothing but a baseball game to console you. The rest is crap.
-The PS2 is still going strong, meaning they're still supporting it and won't try to bring back compatibility anytime soon. Fuck them.
-They make fun of Kinect while ignoring the Wii. Big mistake.
-Sorcery will be the only interesting Move launch title. Tiger Woods golf will also be interesting but only for those who actually play golf.
-Kevin Butler is awesome, and should've been the main presenter. Would've made the conference much more bearable.
-The Move is going to hit your wallet so hard you wallet won't exist anymore. At least, if you want more than one controller, and to play with someone else. To get the Eye, two controllers, and two sub controllers will cost you more than Kinect, and more than it would to just buy a new Wii. And for $40 more you could have a Wii with two wiimotes and two nunchucks. Considering the amazing things Nintendo is releasing compared to the absolutely lackluster Move games, it's a smarter investment to just get a Wii. And that's saying something from me.
-No new PSP. Just a marketing campaign. Fuck you Sony.
-Little Big Planet 2 is what the first game should've been, and looks to add a whole new level of creativity that the world will no doubt make great use of.
-The paid PSN service, Playstation Plus, will only be worth it if you want to continue paying $50 a year. If you stop, I can only assume from what he said that all the content you got through it will go bye bye.
-Medal of Honor will come packaged with Medal of Honor: Frontlines, and Dead Space 2 will come packaged with the Wii port Dead Space: Extraction for Move, both only for Ps3.
-The biggest surprise of E3: Portal 2 will be on the PS3, and it will come with Steamworks, making the PS3 version of Portal 2, as Gabe Newell stated, the best version on any console.
-Mafia 2 and Assassin's Creed Brotherhood will both have loads of content only available on PS3.
-Gran Turismo 5 looks veeery pretty.
-Infamous 2 has changed the look and voice of the main character, but it doesn't matter with the new cattle prod melee weapon and promise to manipulate ice as well as electricity.
-They make Twisted Metal sound like the best thing to ever come out. It isn't. Still looks fun, but it's nothing game changing.

And that's all folks! Hope you enjoyed my in depth look at E3. Now I'll be returning to my regular reviews.

E3 2010: Sony

The last of the big 3, and the last conference I'll be covering, Sony had a lot to contend with. While most titles showcased for Kinect were crap, there were a couple that showed the possibilities of what you can do when your game reads your entire body. Throw in a couple really great games like Gears of War 3 and you get a solid, though looking a little weak, contender in Microsoft. Then Nintendo threw the gauntlet. It was like the really popular kid at school got on stage, put on an amazing show, and then as it was passing you before you took your turn bumped into you and made fun of your glasses. And then made you walk out to realize that several people had already left because they wanted to hang out with the popular one instead of listening to you. So a little deflated and humiliated before it even began, Sony stepped onto the stage.

I have been in love with my PS3 for quite a while now, enjoying every spectacular moment of HD gaming, browsing through PSN for new titles and demos, and just recently streaming downloaded movies and TV shows to it from my computer. I even have fun visiting Home from time to time. So even with the beating they had already taken, I was looking forward to what Sony would show off as its latest and greatest.

Unfortunately I'm still waiting.

For me, Sony's showcase was nothing less than a complete borefest. It really should've been called "Sony presents our latest commercials...and a couple demos, most of which you've already seen". Once again for E3 Sony just tooted their own horn about how great they were while providing very little evidence about why, especially in light of having gone after Microsoft and Nintendo's big showcases. It was like they were just saying "What black eye? Everyone likes me!"

Of course, one of the biggest things they emphasized was 3D. And why not? After all, they're the ones who are making the TVs and glasses that will set you back somewhere between 4-5 thousand dollars if you want more than one pair of glasses. So they gave everyone in the audience a pair of glasses, and brought out a demo for Killzone 3. Of course, not being there, it was impossible to tell exactly how good it looked as everything was tuned for stereoscopic 3D and as such looked slightly off. That being said, it still looked easily like the most graphically intense game to come out yet. Also...jetpack. Awesome. Can't wait to play it. It will also be fully 3D and Move compatible by launch next February.

More titles in 3D: Motorstorm Apocalypse, the Sly Collection, Gran Turismo 5, Crysis 2, Mortal Kombat, Shaun White Skateboarding, Ghost Recon: Future Soldier, Tron: Evolution, and NBA 2K11. Basically, if you're going to shell out the thousands of dollars for 3D, you're going to have some hardcore games to go with it, which is nice.

Move+3D compatible games: The Fight, Eyepet, Tumble, and MLB The Show. They didn't mention that Killzone 3 will also feature this, which I can understand because they already shouted about it so much that they might start to seem desperate if that's all they had to offer. They say the "experience is unlike anything you've ever seen before," and it's the "closest thing you'll ever experience to being in the game itself. " It's just too bad that I have literally no desire to be in a Fight Night ripoff, with a scary monkey creature, or in a Jenga looking game. The Show is the only one I can see being a really fun experience in 3D with the Move. The others...let's just say I was getting very dubious about the Move before they even started talking about it.

Then they throw in a little blurb about how the Playstation 2 just reached it's 10th year. Now, Sony has a big hard-on for talking about the 10 year life cycle of their consoles. So one might think upon reaching end of said cycle they might want to retire it, or try to add some PS2 functionality back into the PS3 now that they're finally making some money off it. Nope. Turns out the PS2 was the second most played console last year, and they're just going to keep selling it and expanding into Latin America. Boooooo.

Ah, the Move. Sony's HD Wii. For a while they just talk about how great it is, and then it becomes readily apparent...they forgot who their real opponent was. They start talking about how it has buttons, which give you more control over a game. Or how it's so much more of a realistic experience when you actually have something in your hands. In short, they went after Kinect, but in the process they ignored the Wii. And, unfortunately for them, it's really hard to try and pit the Move and Kinect against each other, because they're each offering completely different experiences. They kept talking about how the Move is great for the hardcore gamer, but it's pretty damn obvious Kinect isn't even trying to go after the hardcore gamer. Yes, buttons give more precise control, but being able to read the movement of your entire body gives a level of functionality that Move will never be able to provide on its own. So while getting smacked down by Nintendo, they choose instead to pick on Microsoft who isn't even really competing in the same category (except casual games like Kinectimals vs. Eyepet).

That being said, they reveal that with the size of a blu-ray disc, they can include both the non-Move and Move versions of a game on the same disc, allowing developers to more freely experiment with the technology without reducing its buyer pool.

So then they bring out their first interesting Move game: Sorcery. Think Harry Potter with spells that can be combined. You flick the move to cast a bolt, you spin it around to make a tornado, you tip it back to your mouth to drink a potion. It showed off some really cool things, and the fidelity to his movements was perfectly 1:1. That being said, it was still a fairly generic looking fantasy game.

Tiger Woods golf. Yawn. The 1:1 movement supposedly means you can work on your actual golf swing, which is interesting. Still, nothing that hasn't been seen before. They also call it a "key franchise" for the PS3. This is one of those astounding things I can't understand about gamers. Every year, a company will crank out the exact same sports game you saw last year, but with one or two new features. They've been releasing Tiger Woods every year since 1999, and since then they've made a combined $500 million. And if it's been doing so well with such mediocre changes, the big change to Move will no doubt land it quite a bit of money as well.

Next up is a trailer for the upcoming Heroes on the Move, which brings together all of Sony's most famous platformers into one title: Sly Cooper and Bentley, Jak and Daxter, and Ratchet and Clank. Supposedly designed for the Move from the ground up, nothing more was said about it, and the gameplay looked exactly like the platformers they came from with no innovation.

They made a deal with Coke...to feature the Move on Coke products.........and then, Mr. Kevin Butler shows up right in the nick of time to give the conference a much needed injection of energy. If you don't know him, he's the guy on the Playstation commercials. If you haven't seen them, look them up, because they're often quite funny. Anyways, he comes out to much fanfare and delivers a hilarious speech about gamers that just needs to be seen and enjoyed: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGZbJlpsohc

Then they bring out how much Move is going to hit your wallet. They only revealed 2 bundles, neither of which included a main controller with a sub, but they did announce that an individual Move main controller will be $49.99 and the sub controller $29.99. The bundles will be a PS Eye+controller+Sports Champions for $99.99, or a PS3 with the latter at $399.99. It was quite entertaining watching the conference because they announced the $50 price point for a controller first, and the people cheered. Then, you could tell everyone had forgotten there was a second controller, because with the $30 price point, people fell silent, and laughed. After that, you could tell people weren't happy. Why? Because if you wanted just two players with two controllers each and you didn't have the Eye already, this is going to run you $210. Meaning it will easily cost more than the Kinect in the long run if you want to play with other people, and you could just as easily get a brand new Wii for that much (and for $250 you could have 2 sets of controllers).

To try to soften the blow they then bring up a list of launch games for the Move: Socom 4, Time Crisis (yes that old arcade shooter is back), NBA 2K11, Ruse (nothing mentioned about this anywhere), Killzone 3, Singstar+Dance, Echochrome 2, and Eyepet. These will be along with current titles that will get an update to be Move compatible: Toy Story 3, Tiger Woods, Heavy Rain, and Resident Evil 5 Gold Edition. Also, a trailer recapping everything again and adding some more titles you care nothing about.

Anything in there strike your fancy? Cause it certainly doesn't mine. Easily the only one there I would even slightly be interested in is Heavy Rain, and I'm perfectly content with just the button presses as they are now. So with a ridiculous price point and lackluster lineup of games, I'm just going to have to pass it up when it comes out in September.

So that was a disappointment. But it couldn't get any worse...right?

Enter the PSP. With Nintendo presenting their masterpiece, the 3DS, it seemed like the only way Sony had any chance was to at least announce a new PSP, with the long awaited second analog stick. It wouldn't even matter if it had 3D since they're obviously already going to be behind on that, but even a little something, a graphics boost, greater connectivity to other PSPs, anything would've been welcome. Instead....we get their new marketing campaign with a loud mouthed black kid named Marcus Rivers. Do I even need to go on?

Meanwhile they keep declaring the PSP the best handheld for "true" gamers and such like that which certainly used to be somewhat true with franchises like Metal Gear Solid really shining with the superior graphics of the PSP...but is completely undercut by the 3DS. They at least make a quick show of a trailer for a new God of War game, as well as announcing titles like Tron, Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep, Toy Story 3, Ace Combat, The 3rd Birthday (some kind of weird horror game?), a UFC game, and Invisimals which uses the camera to provide some kind of augmented reality game. Several more were shown in another trailer along with some actual gameplay for the latter titles: Metal Gear Solid Peace Walker, Modnation Racers, Gravity Crash, a Dragonball Z fighter, Tennis, Madden 11, Patapon 3, Fat Princess, Tetris, Eyepet portable, Piyotama (a puzzle game like Tetris), Shin Megami Tensei Persona 3, Ys The Oath in Felghana, and Valkyria Chronicles 2.

It's certainly an impressive list of games, many of which easily have PS2 quality graphics, but there's nothing there to make anyone who doesn't own a PSP, like myself, get one.

Naturally, talking about linking the PSP to the PS3 they start talking about PSN, which is unsurprisingly the most connected network of the consoles (considering it's free). They also bring up the sometimes fun Home, to which they added a virtual simulation of their E3 booth, so that anyone who couldn't make it to the conference could see what it was like. They talked about all the cool stuff you could see and free items you could get, so naturally I took a look. Turns out it was exactly like this conference. A lot of self-hype, but in the end all you got was trailers.

Then a bit of a surprise, a demo! I never got Little Big Planet, because while I enjoy platformers, playing through levels or building my own just never looked that fun. Well, Little Big Planet 2 is rectifying that by adding the ability to make just about any game you please, including things like racers, RPGs, and even RTSs. Considering the amazing amount of things I never realized people were doing with the first game (like building a working calculator out of nothing but gears), I can't wait to get my hands on this game. Especially interesting was the trailer showcasing what some people had come up with in just 24 hours. They looked like full fledged games on their own.

So then...back to PSN. They unveil their new paid service, Playstation Plus, which will knock you back $50 a year and grab you exclusive demos, betas, select free PSN games, discounts in the PS Store, and various other bonuses. HOWEVER, the interesting point came when he said "You will own all of this content for the duration of your subscription." He didn't go into detail, but I can only assume that if you eventually decide you don't want to keep paying $50 a year, sorry, but all that other content you bought/received will no longer be yours. Whoopee.

Then they bring out EA for things specifically related to Sony not covered in their solo conference. First up, Medal of Honor. Already spoke a little about this game, how it was laughable they kept talking about authenticity, respect for soldiers, and it being the most realistic modern war shooter yet...while in multiplayer you keep getting points for firing your gun and can spend them to bring a tomahawk missile down on someone. Well, here they unveiled a new character you get to play as! Hooray! Right? Nope. Sorry. They show another fucking trailer showing badges of these different units, and then about 5 seconds of obviously cinematic (not gameplay) footage for each one. The new "character" hops on like a 4 wheel dirtbike kind of thing and gets, wait for it....10 seconds of actual gameplay footage plus the 5 seconds of cinematic. Also, ANOTHER FUCKING TRAILER for a multiplayer map based on an area in Afghanistan but which frankly looks like any other multiplayer map from Modern Warfare. The limited edition will contain a remastered HD copy of Medal of Honor: Frontlines, which is a nice little bonus.

Then, finally, they bring out something I care about with Dead Space 2. They immediately bring out the demo and start from where they left off at the EA conference, with Isaac coming face to face with a gigantic boss. In something that disturbs me, they bring back the same mechanic where Isaac is grabbed by something and has to shoot its weak point until the limb falls off, which happened all of 2 or 3 times when a gigantic arm shoots out of the wall in the first Dead Space, but has now already occurred twice in the demo. Here's really hoping they don't overuse it. Basically you end up escaping, only to meet the ship once again which once again blows open a window and depressurizes the area, only to have the monster fly past you...and take you with it into open space where you have to shoot exploding canisters at it. Epic. Unfortunately it only lasted all of about 2 minutes. However, the limited edition, only for PS3, packs in the Wii port Dead Space: Extraction for Move.

And then...hoo boy. And then, they bring out the greatest surprise of the entire conference. He starts talking about being excited to work with another well known developer who is known for making great games, blah blah blah all stuff we've heard...and then the lights go dark...and none other than GlaDos' voice comes over the speakers saying "Standby for an important announcement from the Aperture Science Emergency Surprise System. Deploying surprise in 3...2...1..." and then none other than Gabe Newell, head of Valve, comes on stage. Gabe Newell has been rather outspoken in his hate of the PS3. It was a miracle that the Orange Box was released on it, and it has since received none of the major updates. So for him to walk out already was a surprise in itself. So he comes out and starts talking about how he's grateful to Sony for not smacking him around, and how he's nervous because he was introduced to Kevin Butler as the VP of sharpening things, and it's all very funny. Then he says something amazing. First, Portal 2 will be on the PS3. Second, it will include Steam and Steamcloud software, meaning automatic updates, patches, and free DLC from Valve. So with that, he goes on to claim that the PS3 version of Portal 2 will be the best version on any console. ROCK. ON. And then, the first reveal of Portal 2 gameplay. It's only a trailer, but I don't even care because it looks amazingly pretty and really really really fun.

New teaser trailer for Final Fantasy XIV. Reveals absolutely nothing new, including literally 0 seconds of gameplay. Booo.

Mafia 2 is going to have loads of extras only for PS3. Nobody cares.

Assassin's Creed Brotherhood will have several missions exclusive to PS3, and the multiplayer beta will only be available on PSN. Sweet. They also show off another fucking trailer for the multiplayer, which shows no gameplay but looks awesome.

Then ANOTHER fucking trailer showcasing their big titles they didn't have time to show but still want to include. Despite saying that, they still included games they did actually show like Killzone 3 and Medal of Honor. Here are the ones that they didn't talk about: Metal Gear Rising, DC Universe online, True Crime, Marvel vs. Capcom 3, Pixeljunk Shooter 2, Castlevania: Lords of Shadow, and Dead Nation. There were also small flashes of Lego Harry Potter and Spiderman: Shattered Dimensions.

Gameplay footage of Gran Turismo 5. I'm not a racing games fan, but I can still appreciate just how damn pretty that game looks. It's quite incredible. And they finally announce that it's coming this November.

Then a trailer for Infamous 2, featuring the new look of our protagonist...and it's completely different. Different look, different voice, I honestly don't understand why they didn't just make him a new character. That being said, the gameplay looks spectacular, with the addition of a new cattle prod-like melee weapon to make fights all the more interesting. Not only that, but they teased that you'll be able to control ice this time around as well. Fun fun.

With very little pretext they then literally rolled out the next title. After a short little film, the easily recognizable ice cream truck of Sweet Tooth rolls out on stage with an actor inside dressed like Sweet Tooth and wielding a giant sword. For those who don't know, Twisted Metal was a very fun arcade style vehicular battle game featuring the clown Sweet Tooth. As they say, Twisted Metal is the longest running franchise for the Playstation. Now, I understand that some people love Twisted Metal, I enjoyed it myself way back in the day, but when the next installment of a 15 year old franchise that won't be released for another year or so is your featured end-of-showcase...you might want to take a good hard look at what you're putting out. Personally, I would've ended on Gabe Newell coming out and saying "Yeah...sorry about all that Sony bashing stuff. As apology we're going to make the PS3 version of Portal 2 the best on any console." That was by far the biggest news of the Sony conference if not of E3, and they treated Twisted Metal like it was WAY more important than anything anyone had put out.

Sorry, Sony. It's not.

They show off some gameplay modes and vehicular mayhem, and it's obvious the game is still in the early stages of development, and it certainly does look fun, but it's nothing game changing. It's the same old Twisted Metal we've always known, but with more destruction. That will be enough to satisfy many, but in a conference low on original ideas or announcements, it just wasn't a good place to end.

Overall, Sony's conference was one long, boring disappointment with a couple standouts, but nothing to make anyone who owns or is looking to own a PS3 (or Move) excited about. Best of luck Sony, you're going to need it.